[I found this post wasting away in my drafts. It was written in October, but it's far too meaningful to leave unpublished. This reflection on 2019 and 2020 seems well suited to the New Year season.]
"I will praise You on the mountain
And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
You're the summit where my feet are
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same."
~ Highlands (Song of Ascent) by Hillsong
This year has been full of change and challenges. My heart is torn between the greatest joy I have ever experienced, and the pain I see in the world around me. I arrived in Bend, Oregon on May 29th. The ranch is far beyond my expectations.
Last fall, I was full of fear and despair. Medical bills and car loans combined with missing college classes left me feeling desperately unstable. I was not allowed to take a horse training class because I wasn't good enough at riding. My safety was threatened without transportation and finances. My reputation was threatened by falling grades. My emotional, spiritual, and physical health failed.
In the chaos, I realized that despite calling myself a Christian for many years, I did not trust God at all in my day to day life. Every decision was made by my own will, sustained by my own strength. The result: a life dictated by the fear of shame, rejection, and abandonment. As events outside of my control ripped away the trophies I had collected, my heart found itself experiencing all of it's worst fears.
This realization guided me through the next few months. 2020 barraged us all with uncertainty, fear, and chaos. The threat of illness, financial instability, confinement assaulted my community in March. For me, this challenge was coupled with watching my boyfriend ship away to boot camp, with no idea when I will be able to see him again. Because of my prior experiences, I chose to respond to all the fear and uncertainty with faith and praise. The songs Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets and The Shepherd of My Soul by Rivers and Robots became my anthems. Instead of living by my own strength, I surrendered everything for perhaps the first time in my entire life. I began using the phrase "Lord willing" unironically.
You know what happened next. While I was learning to trust God in my every day mundane activities, my body began to fail. From sometime in February or Match until the end of April, I experienced worsening symptoms that I could not explain. The spit in my mouth dried up. I drank over a gallon of water a day, peeing at least once an hour. I was overwhelmed with fatigue and apathy. I felt extremely weak. My eyesight became blurry. I lost twenty pounds, nine of them in one week. I was admitted to the hospital in diabetic ketoacidosis. I've already described that experience in more detail here.
The peace I experienced in the hospital was unlike anything I have ever experienced before. The events of October seem so small compared to my diagnosis, yet my response to them was so much more dramatic. The difference? Faith. Resting in the truth that my life does not rely on my own strength or my own worth. I can't heal a broken finger, fix my financial problems, stop a global pandemic, cure my incurable disease, solve racial injustice, stop devastating floodwaters, or earn my own worth. I can choose to praise the God who can do all of those things - whether he chooses to do so or not.
That brings me to these five glorious months. I thank God everyday for the food and insulin I need to survive one more day. Life after diagnosis is full of joy I can only attempt to explain. What kind of love would care so deeply for me? What kind of love would die for me? What kind of love would provide everything I need and so many wonderful things that I don't? What kind of love would work in every part of my life, weaving together a beautiful work of art despite my shame, fear, anger, and pride? Only Jesus offers satisfaction that cannot be taken away. Only the Lord of Hosts offers love that cannot be earned. The joy I have in him is enough to carry me through the rest of my life. I cannot keep from praising him, even if I tried.
I love the story of Gideon in Judges 6 and 7. God called Gideon to free Israel from the Midianites. Gideon gathered 32,000 men to fight an army "as numerous as sand on the seashore". It looked impossible. But God sent back the 22,000 men who were afraid. Then he sent back another 700 men. God made the task even more impossible, so that when the victory was won, no one could claim that they won by their own strength.
In October, I didn't want to apply for the internship because I didn't believe that I could get to Oregon. God's response was similar to the story of Gideon. He made the dream so much more unattainable and brought me this far anyway.
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