As December ends and January begins, conversations swerve toward judgment calls and resolutions. Isn't that how it goes? "2019 was a terrible year." "2019 was such a good year." "This year I will (fill in blank)." "This year I won't (fill in blank)." I'm guilty of the same defense mechanisms. We can be so quick to judge the year, to judge ourselves.
It is difficult to look back on a year and see things we don't like about ourselves or our lives. Everyone has them. It is tempting to label the year as "bad", excusing those inconsistencies as a product of the year. The year is to blame, not me. If I instead label the year as "good" I might not learn from my failures and mistakes.
I'm speaking in broad generalizations that do not apply to every individual. There are people who treat the new year with apathy or with healthy reflection. This is what I try to do.
What did I learn in 2019?
Rest
My theme for the last year was Rest. Did I learn to rest? Yes and no. I made progress. I took days off of work, even when money fears left me in tears. I learned that rest doesn't mean "not doing anything" or "doing all my chores and cleaning the house whenever I have time off".
Self-love
This year, I rediscovered love as an action. I've always seen love as an action when it is applied to other people. I don't have to feel happy things about anyone in order to act in a way that brings out the best in and for them. However, this year was the first time I realized that I have to do the same for myself. Sometimes, the most meaningful act of self love is making the bed and tidying up so I can come home to a clean room after work.
Saying "No"
Socializing has always been a challenge for me. Sometimes I seem more extroverted because I am a huge people-pleaser. I am ambitious, and this comes out in the way I take on a million things at once. This last year, I've learned to say no. "No, I don't want to hang out after work." "No, I don't want to work a second job." Sometimes, the person I have to say no to is myself. "No, now is not a good time to take on a new project." Sometimes, I feel guilty or lonely, but I am starting to trust myself again.
Personal Development
For Christmas 2018 I was given the
Lavendaire 2019 artist of life workbook, by one of my best friends. I love this workbook. It is a combination of self-development exercises, goal setting exercises, and habit trackers. I started watching Lavendaire youtube videos and listening to the podcasts. Through these resources I found Sam Laura Brown's podcast
The Perfectionism Project.
This year has been a journey through perfectionism, shame, and understanding myself. I've found that understanding yourself is key to change. It's so much easier to change the reasons behind your behavior than it is to muscle that behavior into submission; retaining the reasons that support your old way of life.
In conclusion: 2019 was a full year. I experienced joy and growth as well as sadness, depression (the emotion), and emptiness. I made decisions that I am proud of and decisions I regret. Some decisions fall into both categories.
I'm proud of every honest failure. Every time I try my hardest and do what is right to the best of my knowledge, I am accepting of that decision - even if the end result was failure. The greatest lesson I learned in 2019 was compassion. Compassion for myself and compassion for the people around me. Compassion makes it okay to see failure and successes for what they are. No need to judge, no need to excuse. Compassion sees humans for what they are: deeply flawed and eternally beautiful. From this perspective we can truly grow and learn.
