Goals Don't Lead to Happiness

My favorite rapper released a new album on Friday. What does that have to do with horses? If you have the time and the patience, I'll make the connection. My favorite rapper is NF, a newly popular artist signed to a Christian label. He is controversial and most people either love or hate him but never fear - you don't need to like him or even his style of music to understand this post. 

His new album is titled The Search and explores his newfound fame. NF has always pursued music as an outlet for coping with the challenges of life including losing his mother to drug use and the mental illnesses he struggles with. His songs are focused on ambition, dedication to the process, creating "real music", determined to reach the top of his field without the inauthentic industry shortcuts. And then he "made it".

As I listened to his new songs for the first time, I heard the same thing over and over, just repeated in different ways. His dreams came true and he still isn't happy. He is just married. Just famous. His tours are selling out and his album is selling. His music videos are trending. He feels fake, unnecessary, worthless. He struggles to deal with the motives of people around him as well as his own negativity and shortcomings. 

As I listened to the songs, they felt familiar. I realized that I have a lot in common with an extremely wealthy and famous human. 

If I am not happy where I am now, with what I have now, I will never be happy when I achieve all my goals and my dreams come true. 

We all know that deep down I think, but wow. The music really helped it sink in. Don't get me wrong, I still have all those dreams and goals. And I said "when I achieve" not "if". But happiness is a choice that can only come from realizing that I have everything I need now. I am a Christian. I know that my worth and purpose comes from a God who sees my failure, loves me anyway, died for me, and is remaking me into the person I was meant to be. But instead of living that out, I chase after goals and ambitions as if they will fulfill me. If I could start horses in thirty days I could be happy. If I had a house and money to support myself I could be happy. If I had better grades I could be happy. 

The trick is that the finish line is always moving. A year ago I thought I would be happy if I was doing what I am doing today. A year ago I struggled to keep my room clean, now I have a habit of tidying almost every day. But instead of enjoying that accomplishment, I have completely forgotten about my goal and set my sights even higher. As NF says in his song Nate, "You might catch a glimpse of happiness from your achievements/ but what you'll learn as you get older/ every time you reach one/ is you'll just make another goal that doesn't lead to freedom."

So there is the connection. I have so many exciting, crazy, nearly unattainable horse-related dreams. I'm going to chase those dreams. But I have to learn to find joy every day, or there is no point. I have to learn to rest, and appreciate the moments, trusting in the process. Or someday I'll find myself at the top, looking back and wishing I'd prayed more. 

Slowly but Surely

I only got one picture the last time I visited the barn. Once again, the air was hot and still and full of bugs. I brought a fly mask for Avalon. It should help her focus on me while we're training. All we did was walk around. We walked halfway down the driveway away from the horses, then all the way around the arena with only one spook. That's improvement! 

More of the Same

Look at my lady. So grown up in her saddle. I can't get over how calm she is in the arena when the lead rope is attached to her halter (even if it's tied to the saddle horn). As soon as I unclip it she runs around screaming for her friends. Usually I would find this disappointing. As Pat Parelli says, without the rope all you have left is the truth. However, only a few months ago she was running around calling for her buddies with the rope. I think that she equates the rope with a sort of  "work mode". Some day I hope that she wants to mentally connect with me, but for now I'm encouraged that she recognizes my leadership.

She continues to hold her head in a lower, more relaxed position.

This hindquarter yield is amazing! Look at how far underneath she steps with that inside hind!

More scratches! Also notice that the helmet was hung over the saddle horn the whole time for a little extra desensitization.

An awkward, half-out of frame but still adorable picture of Ava wearing my hat as I attempt to push her head toward the camera. 

We are continuing to practice rein aids with the long lines. I am asking more from her with each session. Overall, she is still doing well, but she is fighting the contact. Part of that is my fault, it's difficult to time releases when you're juggling ropes that long! I think we will both improve with practice. I'm keeping the sessions with long lines short to avoid frustration. Hopefully I can get some pictures or videos soon.

I Have a New Toy!!

I don't have anyone to come to the barn with me and take pictures for the blog. I suppose I could ask the other horse owners, but that just sounds awkward. I've used the timed camera feature on my phone, but it only lasts ten seconds. It's hard to train a horse while running back and forth from the tripod in ten seconds. I browsed amazon for a quick second and found this. Now, all I have to do is press a button on a tiny remote to take photos or videos. 

Obviously this will take some practice. These pictures are blurry because I had to crop them. Not only was I too far from the phone, I was off-center. To top it all off, you could see the barrel that the phone was sitting on in the lower half of every shot. Oh well, better luck next time. 

It has been outlandishly hot and buggy for the last week or so. Surprisingly, Avalon has been incredibly patient and connected. I'm more cranky than she is. Maybe exhausting humidity wears her out too much to be distracted.

Bug bites mean I can use lots of scratches as rewards!

We kept everything low key because of the weather, just playing with poles and circles at the walk.

We practiced hindquarter and forequarter yields to change direction.

Although I haven't made it to the barn every day, I have managed to make a habit of visiting every other day or every two days. The consistency is paying off. Avalon has stopped running away from me in the pasture. She is settling into wearing the saddle and generally connecting to me more. I'm excited to see where the next few weeks take us, especially once the weather cools down. 

Trust the Process

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I've shifted my focus from long term goals to the day-to-day choices. Getting up every day and making one small step closer to my end goal is going to get me farther than sitting on my butt thinking about that goal ever will. My focus isn't riding Ava this summer. My focus is to go to the barn more often than not. I trust that the process will take me where I want to go. Would you know it, my new philosophy is paying off already!

Falling asleep as a saddle her up

Avalon is settling into the rhythm. She is becoming comfortable with the process of saddling and wearing the saddle. I even broke out the long lines. She is doing so well! No pictures yet, but I'm working on it.

Chickens!

She even carries my helmet and the long lines on the saddle without an issue!

Interestingly, I can leave her loose in the arena as long as the lead is attached to her halter. If I take it off, she runs around bucking and screaming for her buddies. 

In Sync

My new goal is to go to the barn more often than not. 

Sounds a little odd I know, but when I focus on the end result (being able to ride Avalon) I am overwhelmed by how impossible it feels. Instead of working toward my goal I avoid the barn altogether. I read an interesting caption on Instagram by Michael Edwards Horsemanship the other day about taking horse training one moment at a time. If the horse needs three hours to be caught, so be it. Keeping that philosophy in mind, I started my session with Avalon determined to spend time on whatever came up. The first thing I stumbled onto was a matted mane.

Before

While I took my time grooming my adorable grey pony, the barn owner's kids were riding their dirt bikes. Ava has seen these bikes many times, but she decided to spook at them for good measure. Somehow she tossed her head at just the right angle to unclip the Blocker Tie Ring II. Thankfully, she didn't realize she was free and I was able to clip the tie ring back. Makes me worried to leave her tied there though!

After

After the detangling and dirt bikes I saddled Avalon and took her to the arena. I spent some time desensitizing her to stirrup movement. Then I set up some ground poles. Ava is beginning to hold her head in a relaxed position and I love to see it!

Curiosity and the golden hour

Yes, those are scissors in my back pocket. I forgot to put them away. 

I took the above pictures with the camera timer on my phone. I think they turned out pretty well considering. Then Avalon found my tripod. 

Ewwww

We ended the evening with a little stick-to-me game. I asked Avalon to match me, step for step. We walked, stopped, backed. I walked up to the ground poles from earlier and used them as props. I asked Ava questions. Can you put two feet over the pole and stop? Can you take one step back? Her precision was incredible. I haven't felt that close to a horse since Gambler.

Bath Time

Look at those dapples!

Avalon doesn't love being sprayed with water (yet). While she isn't afraid of water, or spooky when I'm giving her a bath, she tolerates the hose with a sort of irritated disdain. The first time I hosed her down this summer, my hose was just little too short to reach her hindquarters on the far side. I used her agitated mood to my advantage. Every time she moved her body toward the water, I pointed the hose away. A few minutes later, she was side passing toward me.

I've been so blessed to own dapple greys. I LOVE them.

Looking shiny and clean!

I bathed Ava again a few days ago. It was 80-some degrees Fahrenheit without a hint of a breeze - not good weather for active training. She stood more calmly this time, so it looks like our training is paying off. Or she is learning to appreciated relief from the heat and bugs.

Of course, the next time I visited the barn her mane was already tangled and there was a new grass stain on her muzzle. 

The Ever-Changing Coat of a Grey Horse

April 2019

May 2019

April 2019

May 2018

May 2019

June 2018

June 2019