Lessons Learned from 2020

 

Last New Year season I wrote a brief post about ways I grew as a person in 2019. It is one of my favorite blog posts, so go check it out by clicking here. 2019 was a hard year for me. I spent hours wallowing in shame and fear. I followed familiar habits in toxic circles. Habits like overthinking, negative self-talk, procrastination, and people pleasing held me back from enjoying the freedoms that I took for granted before the Covid-19 pandemic. 

It's funny to remember how many people claimed 2020 as their year. But I'm going to risk sounding crazy and claim that 2020 was my year. I don't say this to be insensitive. I have heard enough stories of personal loss and pain to believe that even if there was no pandemic, 2020 would have been devastating for many individuals. I am not belittling that pain in any way. 

I have seen my own challenges this year. I watched my boyfriend ship out to boot camp. I watched the world shut down for two weeks . . . that turned into months. I watched my health fail. I received my diagnosis. I moved across the country during the pandemic. While in Oregon, we experienced the loss of beloved ranch horses. Now, as the year comes to a close, I find myself quarantined in my home with Covid-19 over Christmas. 

2020 was a year of waiting, a year of grief. It was also a year full of joy. 

Waiting

I'm not the most patient person - ask anyone who knows me. This is compounded by a society that tells us our worth is equal to how busy we are. Everything is go go go. Stay busy, stay efficient, get ish done. Then we found ourselves waiting. Waiting in quarantine. Waiting for "normal". Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting to see our loved ones again. This isn't unique to 2020. Most of life is made up of waiting. There is always another goal, another prize. If I don't find joy in the waiting I will waste my life away. If I can't be content now, without "normal" I will never be content. I was never content with "normal" anyway. 

Grief

I've spent hours crying this year. Probably not any more than any other year, but for more memorable reasons. Literal tears aside, 2020 was full of loss. I grieved the loss of my health, my plans. In May I found myself confronted with an immense grief that wasn't mine as I wrestled with issues of social injustice that I had never fully considered. I grieved the deaths of horses I loved at Crystal Peaks. All around the world, students have lost their sports, their plays, their graduations. Most of all, many people have lost their loved ones. Some to Covid-19, some to other diseases but the pandemic affected precious last moments with their loved ones. 

Joy

Joy is the product of 2020. Joy is what you have left when you are brave enough to sit nonjudgmentally with your waiting and with your grief. In 2019, I was not sitting with my discomfort. I was running away from it at break-neck speeds. When I looked my loss in the face, when I made peace with waiting, there was joy. 

Joy doesn't come from  my circumstances. It comes from my mind, the choices I make about my thoughts, words, and actions. Nothing can give me joy or take away my joy unless I allow it. I can allow it because I know I cannot control my circumstances. Looking back on this year, I can truly say "If the Lord wills, I will live, and do this or that" (James 4:15). Things happened this year completely beyond my control. Terrible things happened that I couldn't stop. Wonderful things happened that I never could have achieved. I am walking into 2021 with a song of joy, because I know God can be trusted. 

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And I wait for His word.
My soul waits in hope for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Yes, more than the watchmen for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Liberty Fun

Doesn't she look lovely? I unraveled the three unintentional dreadlocks from her mane (who knows, maybe she wanted them there). The white in her mane blends into the bay that fades into red. I think it's delightful. 

I've never been comfortable with liberty in the big arena. Anytime I have tried, Avalon galloped around in crazy circles, completely ignoring me. Aa horsewoman at the ranch recommended trying it again. At first, Ava stuck to her usual behavior - either grazing or galloping around bucking and tossing her head (to express how much she would rather be grazing). But a few minutes (and one sweaty horse) later, she was circling me at liberty. She strongly preferred the side of the arena with the gate and grass, but I could get her to follow me to the halfway point of the arena before she turned tail and galloped back to the grass. 

The next time, I tried to keep the galloping to a minimum. It was too snowy, slippery, and cold for shenanigans. She did take off a few times (without any slipping, very impressive). 

With slow and gentle but insistent coaxing, Avalon followed me all the way to the far side of the arena. We spent some time just hanging out and grazing in the "spooky" area. 

Then we trotted together back to the gate. The best part was that she trotted behind or beside me. As I ran back, I stopped several times to see what she would do. Even though we were trotting toward the gate, away from the spooky places, she stopped when I stopped. 

A blurry picture in my rearview mirror of Avalon watching me drive away.

4 Equestrian (Life) Lessons I Learned This Summer

1. There is an adequate way and an excellent way.

I've been riding and training horses for years. Most of that time has been spent in someone's pasture or barn. I haven't taken lessons in years. I have learned how to do many things adequately, well enough. Serving on the ranch this summer, I was able to learn from a couple incredible horsewomen (and men) who taught me excellent ways to complete simple tasks. For instance, we spent several minutes learning how to halter a horse smoothly and comfortably. I've used rope halters for about ten years, but now I know an even better way. 

I was given the opportunity to spend several weeks with Nakia, one of the horses in training at CPYR. She is a young, green horse with an incredibly willing and affectionate spirit. I noticed that she was becoming more and more cinchy during the saddling process. The equine manager walked me step by step through the process of saddling. She showed me four or five tiny but significant changes. Those little adjustments made a huge difference in the way Nakia responded. That is the difference between adequacy and excellence in horse training. 

2. The devil is in the details.

This may seem to contradict the first lesson I learned. I guess that's life for you. Truths often appear to contradict each other and somehow they are all still true. I hit a mental and/or emotional block with Nakia when I first started working with her. The problem was never with the horse - she is one of the most incredible young horses I have ever met. The problem was in my head. I overthought and overanalyzed every little detail. Instead of making progress, I thought myself in circles. Sometimes, you just have to push forward to the next step, even if you aren't satisfied with your results. 

3. Pick a path and see it through.

I realized this summer that sometimes I am too open minded. One of my roommates told me, "I love that you're really open minded, but you're not so open minded that your brain falls out." I appreciate the compliment but looking back I can see a few times my brain might have fallen out. 

When I try something with a horse and it doesn't work, I look for a different answer. I think that is a strength. I'm open minded enough to see that sometimes (often) I am wrong and need to find a different solution. However, sometimes I jump from method to method to method to method before the horse even has a chance to understand me. This summer I learned to pick one cue, one lesson, one method and see it through even if the horse doesn't understand right away. Too many ideas at once causes confusion. 

4. Beware of the Narrative

Humans are creatures of belief. We think we're so smart and rational, surveying all the facts and coming to reasonable conclusions. The truth is, we form our beliefs and then we filter the information to fit the conclusion we have already accepted. I may have learned it from Psychology, but God said it first. 

Many people believe in the Law of Attraction. Many other people believe its a pile of nonsense. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Humans can't change reality. You can't tell yourself a tree is a house and magically turn it into a house. Humans can make choices that influence their circumstances. You can believe that trees are meant to be lived in and buy a tree house or build one for yourself. 

What does this have to do with horses? Often, we created the behavior in our horse that we expect. If we attach a narrative to our horse's behavior we can unintentionally influence them. This can be a good or a bad thing. If my horse spooks I can laugh it off telling myself, "Nakia is responding to the windy, fall weather with higher energy." My energy then is calm and prepared, showing Nakia I am a trustworthy leader. Or I could tell myself, "Oh no, she spooked. That means she is going to spook again!" I raise my energy in response, becoming nervous and tense, which Nakia feeds off of. . . leading to another spook.