It's All About the Journey

This year has been full to the brim. I would be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle to change the patterns of my thoughts and actions. I've been living in routines of negativity, fear, and shame for so long. It takes of lot of energy to be self aware and change those patterns. The best decision I've made this year was to take every day at a time. There are a lot of cliches that have truth to them, but we've heard them so often that we don't see anything past the trite nicety. Living every day like it is your last is one of those cliches I have taken seriously. 

Many of the problematic behaviors I run back to time and time again (for example procrastination or negative self-talk) are ways to escape the past or the future. Anxiety about tomorrow, shame of yesterday. The problem is that right now, this moment is all I have power over. I can't fix the mistakes I have made. I can't predict the mistakes I will make. All I can control is the choice in front of me. Living in the moment that I can actually control has made all of the difference this year. 

I'm still tired and anxious. Perfectionism, shame, and a sinful nature have me constantly second-guessing my own worth and ability. But one day at a time, my mindset is changing. This is impacting my time with Avalon in tremendous ways. So many training sessions have been tarnished by the fear of failure or anxiety that I'm not good enough. Now I am learning to enjoy every moment, living with what I am presented with right now.

I've spent quality time with Avalon. I tried out some clicker training and played with training techniques I learned this year, but mostly we just hung out. This payed off when I removed her halter and she chose to stay with me instead of returning to her pasturemates. 

As for the other areas of my life, I missed some school and work due to what I believe to be a strain of the flu. I don't go to the doctor for viruses (their isn't much they can do), so it might have been a stubborn cold. Before you ask, no I don't have COVID-19. The symptoms are different. That said, I'm doing all of the hand-washing and elbow sneeze/coughing. The barn is my favorite social distancing spot. 

The gofundme reached 25% of our goal! How awesome is that? I'm amazed by God's provision and the generosity of human beings. It's starting to feel real. I haven't had too much time to think about it, between school, work, and my other responsibilities, but now I'm finalizing my plans. Some of the interns are already in OR and I've been receiving videos and pictures. It's a gorgeous area. There is a reason the ranch is called Crystal Peaks!