My favorite rapper released a new album on Friday. What does that have to do with horses? If you have the time and the patience, I'll make the connection. My favorite rapper is NF, a newly popular artist signed to a Christian label. He is controversial and most people either love or hate him but never fear - you don't need to like him or even his style of music to understand this post.
His new album is titled The Search and explores his newfound fame. NF has always pursued music as an outlet for coping with the challenges of life including losing his mother to drug use and the mental illnesses he struggles with. His songs are focused on ambition, dedication to the process, creating "real music", determined to reach the top of his field without the inauthentic industry shortcuts. And then he "made it".
As I listened to his new songs for the first time, I heard the same thing over and over, just repeated in different ways. His dreams came true and he still isn't happy. He is just married. Just famous. His tours are selling out and his album is selling. His music videos are trending. He feels fake, unnecessary, worthless. He struggles to deal with the motives of people around him as well as his own negativity and shortcomings.
As I listened to the songs, they felt familiar. I realized that I have a lot in common with an extremely wealthy and famous human.
If I am not happy where I am now, with what I have now, I will never be happy when I achieve all my goals and my dreams come true.
We all know that deep down I think, but wow. The music really helped it sink in. Don't get me wrong, I still have all those dreams and goals. And I said "when I achieve" not "if". But happiness is a choice that can only come from realizing that I have everything I need now. I am a Christian. I know that my worth and purpose comes from a God who sees my failure, loves me anyway, died for me, and is remaking me into the person I was meant to be. But instead of living that out, I chase after goals and ambitions as if they will fulfill me. If I could start horses in thirty days I could be happy. If I had a house and money to support myself I could be happy. If I had better grades I could be happy.
The trick is that the finish line is always moving. A year ago I thought I would be happy if I was doing what I am doing today. A year ago I struggled to keep my room clean, now I have a habit of tidying almost every day. But instead of enjoying that accomplishment, I have completely forgotten about my goal and set my sights even higher. As NF says in his song Nate, "You might catch a glimpse of happiness from your achievements/ but what you'll learn as you get older/ every time you reach one/ is you'll just make another goal that doesn't lead to freedom."
So there is the connection. I have so many exciting, crazy, nearly unattainable horse-related dreams. I'm going to chase those dreams. But I have to learn to find joy every day, or there is no point. I have to learn to rest, and appreciate the moments, trusting in the process. Or someday I'll find myself at the top, looking back and wishing I'd prayed more.
You are very wise. Happiness is always a choice and once I learned that life got so much easier. It's not that sadness isn't real or valid- because it is. Nor is it that goals are bad. it's just that we are always believing that achievement alone brings happiness and it never does.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I think wisdom is something I picked up from making a lot of mistakes and learning from them - or trying. I definitely appreciate the emotions that are portrayed negatively, I think they make life more full and enjoyable than if we all lived in a constant state of happiness.
Deletegoal setting is way more complicated than we often believe - and is a lot more influential (in good and bad ways ) than just being able to say "i want to do XYZ by such and such time!"
ReplyDeleteif you're curious to read more on the subject, upper level event rider Matt Brown wrote an extremely candid article for Chronicle of the Horse about goal setting in particular, and the mental health implications thereof more generally. it's definitely worth a read.
https://www.chronofhorse.com/article/a-case-for-not-focusing-on-your-goals-part-1
Thanks! I'll check it out. :)
DeleteWow, I struggled with joy today, too, and even wrote a poem about it, comparing it to a runaway dog. You leave the door open, it runs away. You call it back, it plays deaf. But the point is, the door was left open.
ReplyDeleteAll that is to say, joy isn't a given. I believe we have to actively seek it, and seek it, and seek it. I woke up today in a bad mood. I talked to my husband about it, but I could not figure out why I couldn't shake it. I asked for a hug (because hugs just make you feel good) and we went back and forth saying something we were thankful for. (His idea--he's a psychiatrist and thinks a lot about how to be happy--which is very successful at.) Anyway, that made me kind of happy.
Then, I went upstairs to do my morning yoga, and I always start out with a rosary a friend made for me (I'm not Catholic, but she is) and I say something I'm thankful for at every bead. (That was kind of hard today.)
I did some work, then went out to work with the horses and clean the barn, and now I'm starting to feel a bit happy again. So, a combination of gratitude (which I do daily--and when I'm falling asleep at night, though I forgot to do it last night) and living life.
You're very wise to understand that more things do not make you happy. Happiness is a temporary state. There was a study with amputees versus lottery winners, and in the beginning the former's happiness went way down, and the latter's went way up. However, a couple years later, both their happiness levels were about the same--medium.
There is a way to rate your happiness higher, longer--but it requires mental, physical, and emotional effort. Many of our former patients came in seeking a pill--but those, too, can be short lived as the brain adjusts to the chemicals.
Hang in there and keep doing what you love, goals be damned.
That study sounds fascinating! I definitely think that happiness and joy aren't constant, but you have to seek them out. I think all those daily things add up over time. The dog analogy is so good! My dog loves to play deaf sometimes.
DeleteHere’s a great article in psychology today that references it and also discusses whether goal setting is healthy.
Deletehttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meditation-modern-life/201707/if-i-just-won-the-lottery-life-would-be-so-much-better
I'll definitely read it!
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