Lessons Learned from 2020

 

Last New Year season I wrote a brief post about ways I grew as a person in 2019. It is one of my favorite blog posts, so go check it out by clicking here. 2019 was a hard year for me. I spent hours wallowing in shame and fear. I followed familiar habits in toxic circles. Habits like overthinking, negative self-talk, procrastination, and people pleasing held me back from enjoying the freedoms that I took for granted before the Covid-19 pandemic. 

It's funny to remember how many people claimed 2020 as their year. But I'm going to risk sounding crazy and claim that 2020 was my year. I don't say this to be insensitive. I have heard enough stories of personal loss and pain to believe that even if there was no pandemic, 2020 would have been devastating for many individuals. I am not belittling that pain in any way. 

I have seen my own challenges this year. I watched my boyfriend ship out to boot camp. I watched the world shut down for two weeks . . . that turned into months. I watched my health fail. I received my diagnosis. I moved across the country during the pandemic. While in Oregon, we experienced the loss of beloved ranch horses. Now, as the year comes to a close, I find myself quarantined in my home with Covid-19 over Christmas. 

2020 was a year of waiting, a year of grief. It was also a year full of joy. 

Waiting

I'm not the most patient person - ask anyone who knows me. This is compounded by a society that tells us our worth is equal to how busy we are. Everything is go go go. Stay busy, stay efficient, get ish done. Then we found ourselves waiting. Waiting in quarantine. Waiting for "normal". Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting to see our loved ones again. This isn't unique to 2020. Most of life is made up of waiting. There is always another goal, another prize. If I don't find joy in the waiting I will waste my life away. If I can't be content now, without "normal" I will never be content. I was never content with "normal" anyway. 

Grief

I've spent hours crying this year. Probably not any more than any other year, but for more memorable reasons. Literal tears aside, 2020 was full of loss. I grieved the loss of my health, my plans. In May I found myself confronted with an immense grief that wasn't mine as I wrestled with issues of social injustice that I had never fully considered. I grieved the deaths of horses I loved at Crystal Peaks. All around the world, students have lost their sports, their plays, their graduations. Most of all, many people have lost their loved ones. Some to Covid-19, some to other diseases but the pandemic affected precious last moments with their loved ones. 

Joy

Joy is the product of 2020. Joy is what you have left when you are brave enough to sit nonjudgmentally with your waiting and with your grief. In 2019, I was not sitting with my discomfort. I was running away from it at break-neck speeds. When I looked my loss in the face, when I made peace with waiting, there was joy. 

Joy doesn't come from  my circumstances. It comes from my mind, the choices I make about my thoughts, words, and actions. Nothing can give me joy or take away my joy unless I allow it. I can allow it because I know I cannot control my circumstances. Looking back on this year, I can truly say "If the Lord wills, I will live, and do this or that" (James 4:15). Things happened this year completely beyond my control. Terrible things happened that I couldn't stop. Wonderful things happened that I never could have achieved. I am walking into 2021 with a song of joy, because I know God can be trusted. 

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
And I wait for His word.
My soul waits in hope for the Lord
More than the watchmen for the morning;
Yes, more than the watchmen for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6

Liberty Fun

Doesn't she look lovely? I unraveled the three unintentional dreadlocks from her mane (who knows, maybe she wanted them there). The white in her mane blends into the bay that fades into red. I think it's delightful. 

I've never been comfortable with liberty in the big arena. Anytime I have tried, Avalon galloped around in crazy circles, completely ignoring me. Aa horsewoman at the ranch recommended trying it again. At first, Ava stuck to her usual behavior - either grazing or galloping around bucking and tossing her head (to express how much she would rather be grazing). But a few minutes (and one sweaty horse) later, she was circling me at liberty. She strongly preferred the side of the arena with the gate and grass, but I could get her to follow me to the halfway point of the arena before she turned tail and galloped back to the grass. 

The next time, I tried to keep the galloping to a minimum. It was too snowy, slippery, and cold for shenanigans. She did take off a few times (without any slipping, very impressive). 

With slow and gentle but insistent coaxing, Avalon followed me all the way to the far side of the arena. We spent some time just hanging out and grazing in the "spooky" area. 

Then we trotted together back to the gate. The best part was that she trotted behind or beside me. As I ran back, I stopped several times to see what she would do. Even though we were trotting toward the gate, away from the spooky places, she stopped when I stopped. 

A blurry picture in my rearview mirror of Avalon watching me drive away.

4 Equestrian (Life) Lessons I Learned This Summer

1. There is an adequate way and an excellent way.

I've been riding and training horses for years. Most of that time has been spent in someone's pasture or barn. I haven't taken lessons in years. I have learned how to do many things adequately, well enough. Serving on the ranch this summer, I was able to learn from a couple incredible horsewomen (and men) who taught me excellent ways to complete simple tasks. For instance, we spent several minutes learning how to halter a horse smoothly and comfortably. I've used rope halters for about ten years, but now I know an even better way. 

I was given the opportunity to spend several weeks with Nakia, one of the horses in training at CPYR. She is a young, green horse with an incredibly willing and affectionate spirit. I noticed that she was becoming more and more cinchy during the saddling process. The equine manager walked me step by step through the process of saddling. She showed me four or five tiny but significant changes. Those little adjustments made a huge difference in the way Nakia responded. That is the difference between adequacy and excellence in horse training. 

2. The devil is in the details.

This may seem to contradict the first lesson I learned. I guess that's life for you. Truths often appear to contradict each other and somehow they are all still true. I hit a mental and/or emotional block with Nakia when I first started working with her. The problem was never with the horse - she is one of the most incredible young horses I have ever met. The problem was in my head. I overthought and overanalyzed every little detail. Instead of making progress, I thought myself in circles. Sometimes, you just have to push forward to the next step, even if you aren't satisfied with your results. 

3. Pick a path and see it through.

I realized this summer that sometimes I am too open minded. One of my roommates told me, "I love that you're really open minded, but you're not so open minded that your brain falls out." I appreciate the compliment but looking back I can see a few times my brain might have fallen out. 

When I try something with a horse and it doesn't work, I look for a different answer. I think that is a strength. I'm open minded enough to see that sometimes (often) I am wrong and need to find a different solution. However, sometimes I jump from method to method to method to method before the horse even has a chance to understand me. This summer I learned to pick one cue, one lesson, one method and see it through even if the horse doesn't understand right away. Too many ideas at once causes confusion. 

4. Beware of the Narrative

Humans are creatures of belief. We think we're so smart and rational, surveying all the facts and coming to reasonable conclusions. The truth is, we form our beliefs and then we filter the information to fit the conclusion we have already accepted. I may have learned it from Psychology, but God said it first. 

Many people believe in the Law of Attraction. Many other people believe its a pile of nonsense. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Humans can't change reality. You can't tell yourself a tree is a house and magically turn it into a house. Humans can make choices that influence their circumstances. You can believe that trees are meant to be lived in and buy a tree house or build one for yourself. 

What does this have to do with horses? Often, we created the behavior in our horse that we expect. If we attach a narrative to our horse's behavior we can unintentionally influence them. This can be a good or a bad thing. If my horse spooks I can laugh it off telling myself, "Nakia is responding to the windy, fall weather with higher energy." My energy then is calm and prepared, showing Nakia I am a trustworthy leader. Or I could tell myself, "Oh no, she spooked. That means she is going to spook again!" I raise my energy in response, becoming nervous and tense, which Nakia feeds off of. . . leading to another spook. 

Applying the Lessons I've Learned

I learned there is an adequate way and an excellent way to halter your horse.

My summer internship has improved my skills and confidence. Thanks to the horsemen and women on the ranch, I have better feel, timing, and problem solving abilities. Thanks to the God who created horses, I don't have to fear failure. 

I don't think I shared the story of how I found Avalon. After Gambler died, I didn't have a horse for several months. I checked out a few horses. None of them felt right. I remember sitting at the fire pit behind my University Center building and writing a prayer. I told God I desperately wanted a horse, but only if that was what He wanted for me. If He wanted me to have a horse He had to bring the right horse to me. 

Practicing a new forequarter yield cue I learned in Oregon.

An ad on Dreamhorse.com caught my eye. I scrolled down to the owner's contact information to discover the filly belonged to an old friend, the same friend who sold Gambler to me. When I contacted her, she told me she had just heard of Gamby's passing that week from a mutual friend. We agreed that the timing was a complete God thing. I visited the barn to check Ava out and we clicked immediately. 

Ava stepped forward after crossing her front legs, so I backed her up a few steps.

Skip ahead to the beginning of this year. I completely lost my confidence in my ability. Maybe it was because I was turned down from the colt starting class because I wasn't good enough at riding. Maybe it was memories from when everyone I knew was better at riding than I was. Maybe it was from breaking my finger last October. Most likely, it was never horse specific. My closest family and friends know me as someone who is constantly indecisive and unsure of herself. I saw so many sides and I wanted so desperately to get everything right the first time that I never actually tried the first time. 

What you do on one side, you do on the other side.

Indecisive insecurity is in my past. My life and my decisions are no longer my own and as a result, I am under no pressure. I'm following where God leads me, no matter how crazy it looks. I may fail, I hope that I fail, because that is how I learn. I believe 100% that I am supposed to have and train this horse. If God tells me otherwise, I'll sell her, or send her to a trainer. Until then, I'm all in. 

There are kittens at the barn again! They haven't climbed onto the horse's backs yet. . .but they still might!

Playing the touch-it game

I put my new saddling skills to the test. 

Although Avalon has worn this saddle many times, she put up a huge fuss as soon as she felt the cinch on her belly. I didn't even pull the latigo through before she started swishing her tail and kicking with her hind legs. I was surprised by the intensity. It goes to show how a lil cinchyness can escalate when ignored. I held the cinch until she stopped fussing, then removed the saddle. 

I used this exercise with Gambler way back when, but I had forgotten about it until one of the trainers at CPYR used it in a demonstration.

All the tail swishing and foot stomping.

Caught in the act: Ava tried to bite my hand and "accidentally" bonked her mouth on my hand. She didn't try it again.

After a few minutes of playing with the lead rope in the cinch/girth area, Avalon replaced her kicking and biting with chewing and yawning. I returned to the saddling process. 

Found an itchy spot!

She didn't react to the cinch at all.

I was able to tighten the cinch without a problem. The saddle still doesn't fit, in case anyone was wondering. 

We ended this session with a little bridling reminder. She started chewing on the lead out of curiosity, so I took the opportunity and "bridled" her with a loop in the rope. 

 I'm so thankful for all the things I have learned this summer. Avalon and I are gonna have so much fun. 

Don't Follow a Chevy

Pictures of lovely ranch flowers since I don't have any photos to match this story. 

On July 8th, Kim and L (one of the staff members who oversees intern happenings) told the interns that they had a surprise in store for us. Half of us piled into Kim's black Dodge. The other half followed in L's vehicle. I was in the second vehicle. As we followed Kim, L joked playfully that she knew where we were going, but had no idea how Kim was getting there. 

As we navigated traffic, trying to keep an eye on the truck, someone mentioned that following Kim is like following the lead of the Holy Spirit. You have to keep your eyes on Him, because you have no idea where you are going! We laughed and discussed how important it is to stay focused. God often only gives us the next step. We can't skip ahead or take shortcuts or we'll get lost. We may know the end destination in some cases, but have no idea how we are going to get there. 

Suddenly, we turned back in the direction we had come from. There was a moment of confusion, and then everything made sense. The black truck we had been following for the last few minutes was a Chevy! We burst into laughter as we realized our mistake. There were three or four of us in the vehicle and none of us noticed that we were following the wrong truck. 

It was the perfect addition to our metaphor. When following God's plan for you life, it is important not to confuse his voice with our own, or the influences that surround us. Don't follow a Chevy, or you might get yourself turned around. 

What Comes Next?

I'm running out of time in Oregon. As the season ends, people start asking what comes next. It's a familiar question. I heard it during my senior year of high school and my senior year of college. This time, my answer is different. 

First, I don't owe anyone an explanation. When friends and family talked to me about the future after high school I believed that I had to have a plan and it had to make sense. I had to justify my choices to the nameless mob that asked about them. Not anymore. No one has anymore of a clue than anyone else. I don't owe an explanation to anyone.

Second, if the Lord wills I will live, and do this or that. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, let alone five years from now. Plans fail. People die. Dreaming and planning is hopeless and empty if I am not living right now, today, to my fullest ability. 

Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 

-from Philippians 1

Coffee and the Effectiveness of Prayer

 

The internship is almost over. I'm flying back to Wisconsin on Halloween, which only gives me 26 days in Oregon. Several people have asked me what I have learned during this season. It is a difficult question to answer. God has taught me so much that I'm starting to forget it again. 

I've learned a lot about prayer over the last five months. Prayer has become my primary means of making decisions, my first instinct in crisis, the way I start my day. The way I pray has changed and so have the reasons that I pray. 

I used to pray out of obligation. As a kid I was taught to pray before eating. This led to a hasty "DearJesusthankyouforthisfoodanddayamen" before I starting shoving food into my mouth. As a teen, I chose to stop praying before meals because the insincerity felt more offensive to God than anything else. In prayer meeting at church, I would spend most of the time counting the times people said "Lord" in their prayers with tally marks on my hands. Some people got up to thirty in the same prayer! Imagine if we talked to each other like that. "Hi Jenna, How are you Jenna? And Jenna I saw that you're in Oregon, Jenna. Do you like it there, Jenna?" Through my high school and college years I wrote prayers in my journal. I tried to write daily, but that didn't always happen. Even when it did, I would spend my dutiful five minutes asking God for what I wanted and then ignore Him for the rest of the day. 

It wasn't all bad, but I have learned immensely from working around the staff here at Crystal Peaks. I've never encountered as much prayer anywhere else. If there is a decision to be made, we stop, pray, listen, and do whatever the Holy Spirit instructs. That isn't to say there is always clear direction. But that leads to the next thing I am learning. Prayer really isn't about getting answers. 

Prayer is a paradigm shift, a reminder that God is God and I am not, a surrender. If you look at prayer in the Bible (The Lord's Prayer, the Psalms, OT and NT prayers), prayer is a form of worship. Prayer is taking the pain, fear, and problems we experience and saying, "I can't control this, but You can and You do and I am recognizing that." I'm realizing that prayer is not about what I want from God, but what I can offer God. Prayer is getting up every morning and knowing that by the grace of God, I have another day of life. Praying is knowing that every breath I take is a gift, that every circumstance is under His control and my purpose in life is to worship with my thoughts, words, and actions. I'm getting back into the habit of praying before meals, because I trust God to provide the food and insulin I need to continue living.

If you're still with me, you're probably wondering what all this has to do with coffee. 

God has taught me many different things about prayer, but it all started on May 30th. I love coffee. I drink coffee every morning and if I don't I get a killer headache. I brought coffee with me to Oregon, but it was all whole bean (I am a coffee snob, I admit it!). There was a coffee maker, but no grinder. At this time, I was alone in the boxcar, without a vehicle. I attempted to grind the beans by smashing them . . . yeah, that didn't work. So I prayed. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, "I know You are my only source of satisfaction, not coffee, but if it is Your will, I would really love a cup of coffee today." And then I went about my day. An hour or two later, a fellow intern texted me, asking if she could bring me a cup of coffee. I still can't believe it. It's amusing how much we pray without ever expecting our prayers to be answered. 

The moral of the story is: The point of prayer isn't to get whatever you want, but prayer does change things, even little things like a cup of coffee. 

My last point on prayer, is worship. Choosing to worship God whether my prayers seem answered or not, because He is God and he is good. Even if I never get my coffee, even if I don't have the medical equipment I need, even if my plans are ruined, even if I don't get the internship of my dreams, I still will praise Him. 

As Job says, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him." (Job 13:15)

Horses at the Ranch

I miss working with Avalon, but here in Oregon I get to spend time with the herd every day. Here are a few of my favorites (they are all my favorite). 

What do you think this horse's name is? Jonas is a younger horse at the ranch. I enjoy his goofy attitude. 

This cutie is named Buckshot. He was the second horse I rode on the ranch. I was lucky enough to ride him in horse soccer during our drive-thru event. 

This lovely mare is named Elle. She was the very first horse that Crystal Peaks ever rescued . . . before the ranch even existed. The mare that started it all. Sadly, she passed away a few weeks ago. I'm forever thankful to have known her for as long as I did. 

Valor is another young horse on the ranch. He is a stunning Friesian gelding who loves to play with everything. 

Liberty Belle is a short, Arabian mare. She has a half brother on the ranch as well, but I don't have a picture of him. 

This is Hero, he has one eye and two bullets in his head. If you want to know more about Hero or any of these horses, I recommend reading Kim Meeder's books: Hope Rising, A Bridge Called Hope, Fierce Beauty, Encountering Our Wild God, and Revival Rising. 

This is Zephyr our resident fancy show horse (he's retired but shhh don't tell him). 

Zeke is a sweet, beautiful paint gelding I have had the pleasure of riding. He can't be ridden much because he is older and often sore, but he has a delightful personality. 

Left to right: Zeke, Buckshot, Eclipse (Valor's mom and one of our best session horses), and Valor.

This is Taylor, one of my veteran horses. She is older and retired from the session program, but I love her sweet, sensitive personality. You can find her in the herd by her huge right knee. I don't know what injury caused her right knee to double in size, but it doesn't stop her from galloping with the herd. She even walks faster than most of the horses.

I have been told that Halo was one of the wildest horses the ranch has ever rescued. You would never guess it now, as he is one of the sweetest, most well-behaved of the herd. 

Dakota isn't one of CPYR's horses, he belongs to my host family. My roommates and I have the pleasure of feeding and riding him on a regular basis, as well as his pasturemates: Luke and Zoey.

I don't have a good picture of Luke, but here is Zoey. I love to connect with her in the round pen. 

This is my other "veteran" assignment: Cassidy. Don't worry, she isn't as cranky as she looks. Cassidy is about 30 years old, but she loves trail rides. She runs literal circles around the other horses. 

She has the best "mare face" I have ever seen. Check out the wrinkles above her eyes and nostrils. I promise she is a sweet mare!

Sweet Robbie. I have never seen a horse as excited for food as this old man. He will nicker back and forth with you while you prepare his grain. 

Remnant survived hurricane Katrina and a life-threatening pelvis injury. He is a survivor! He is also one of the most kid safe, reliable session horses on the ranch. 

Nakia is another youngster. She hasn't been in training long, but her sweet, willing personality is going to be perfect for sessions. I'm excited to spend more time with her in the coming weeks. 

This is Bethlehem, Nakia's dam. I have been blessed to ride her on several occasions. What can I say? I love those grey Arabians! This is what Avalon will look like someday. 

This lovely lady is one of the newest herd members. Her name is Banner, and she has a wonderful personality. She loves to run. It will be awesome to see what she is like in sessions!

These are only a few of the horses on the ranch. It would take a much longer post to introduce them all. I chose these merely because I already had photographs to use. If you want to meet the rest, I highly recommend that you come tour Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch (post covid restrictions)!