Sunday, May 3, 2020

Satisfaction


My relationship with food has completely changed. Every meal, I have to count the amount of carbs and sugar and then calculate how much insulin my body will need to take the sugar out of my blood and give it to my cells. The rest of my life is an educated guessing game. I have be my own pancreas, inject myself with insulin four times every day. In the past, I took white bread and chocolate and fast food for granted. I could sit down and eat mindlessly. Now everything I eat or drink has to be intentional and planned. I can't skip meals like I used to. I have to monitor my sleep, exercise, and caffeine intake. All of this has changed the way that I view food. 

In some ways, I am so much more thankful for food. I am thankful for the ability to taste food. I'm thankful for the way food fuels my body, giving me the energy I need to live a fulfilling life. I'm thankful that the technology exists to keep me alive and allow me to eat pretty much anything I want - with moderation and planning. But in other ways, food has lost its appeal. 

Food can become a source of anxiety if I allow myself to overthink. I can't run to mindless comfort eating when I am stressed or experiencing shame. I think that is a good thing. A lot of things have happened over the last six months. I broke my finger, crashed my car, received my diagnosis. One by one, God is stripping away my idols. Every source of safety that comes crashing down makes earth a little less . . . satisfying. As this life becomes less satisfying, the next becomes more exciting. 

"Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." Colossians 3:2

Ironically, the more I focus my heart on spiritual things, the more I engage with this life. I know that all of this has always been part of the plan. I also know that the plan is good and awesome and beautiful. This gives me the freedom to live boldly and joyfully and vulnerably even on days of weakness and anxiety and pride. There is satisfaction better than chocolate or Krispy Kreme donuts. 

"Ho! Every one who thirsts, come to the waters;
And you who have no money come, buy, and eat. 
Come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without cost.
Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me.
Listen, that you may live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
According to the faithful mercies shown to David. 
-Isaiah 55:1-3

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